Sunday 10 May 2009

Roadside Porn

It saddens me how risk averse we’ve become as a society. Take cycle helmets for example. When I was a kid, we would rampage around town and country, helmetless and carefree with our hair flowing in the wind. Yes, some of us died from horrific head injuries, but the vast majority of us lived to tell the tale.

Oh how I miss my hair.

When I was eleven or so, I would spend long summer days with Taff, as he was called back then, on account of his Welsh parents, cycling all over town and not one person worried about our lack of protective headgear.

One of these wholesome days became a rite of sexual passage, when we discovered a discarded porno mag beside the road - the first I’d ever seen.

We scampered underneath a nearby motorway bridge to thumb through the rain wizened mag for gentlemen who appreciate jazz. I sat on it each time a car went past.

We giggled at the uncomfortable positions the models made with their “blow up doll” mouths and were secretly grateful for the diffusive power of humour. But my, how those beautiful women stirred me. How they mesmerised me as they stared out from the page right into my eyes - begging me to do things I did not fully understand.

We hid the magazine within a gap in the concrete bridge and made a spit on palm brotherhood pact not to return to the sequestered porno until the next day when we’d bring a bag to smuggle it into our bedrooms. Then went home for tea.

I sat at the dining table that evening cross legged, mind full of sumptuous breasts and underwear. Mother's mince pie no longer held the same attraction as it had. My internal battle to put the thing out of my mind was unbearable.

Ultimately, hormones got the better of me and I found myself pedaling full tilt back to the bridge in the evening sun. Fuck friendship I thought – this is important.

I rode past Taff, the bastard, cycling red faced and breathless in the opposite direction back into town. He even pretended not to see me. The fucker had a back pack on. It was then that I discovered that all’s fair in love, war and masturbation.

Which is another thing to lament. Because of our great, private Internet, there’s no need for paper based filth to be thrown out of car windows any more. I had built up a rather formidable collection of ‘road kill’ in my unconnected youth and regret that young men have lost this healthy incentive to cycle miles in the country.

These days I spend a lot of time running along roads trying to delay middle aged spread and haven’t come across porn for many years. Not that I’m still collecting, you understand. It’s just that I find it a sign of these modern times.

This morning as I ran, I noticed the paucity of jazz as usual, along with the plethora of beer cans, McDonalds and cigarette packs, but also plant pots, oddly. Eight of them in all - dispersed across six miles of roadside. They were each the black, thin plastic ones you get from the garden centre designed to take home your plant before being discarded once you’ve placed it in your border.

When I was old enough to cruise around in cars and throw stuff out of windows nonchalantly, I was more likely to smoke pot than to re-pot my begonias in the back seat.

The youth of today are very odd.

Wankers, you might say.

6 comments:

Bob said...

Its all very true. But did you ever ask how these magazines came to be left in such diverse locations? (I once tried to recover a copy of Knave from beneath the waters of the mighty Pont) Never on my travels did I see anyone actually leaving one behind... conspiracy theorists may ponder the relationship between the disapperance of roadside porn and that other stalwart of 70s urban life - the white dog turd.

jamon said...

The white-turd dogs took all the road porn with them?

Blimey.

Anonymous said...

Baby of Turtle: Mother turtle lays about hundred round eggs.
Sharing the responsibility for financial security as well as the family's well-being
results in mothers and fathers appreciating the role of breadwinner
as well as parent. Their menstrual cycle is about 30 days, and they menstruate for three to four days.

Unknown said...

ninest123 16.03
cheap oakley sunglasses, tiffany jewelry, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, polo ralph lauren outlet, tory burch outlet, oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, longchamp, louboutin, louis vuitton, louis vuitton, burberry, ugg boots, louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet, michael kors, prada outlet, oakley sunglasses, replica watches, michael kors outlet, nike outlet, tiffany and co, prada handbags, ray ban sunglasses, louboutin shoes, nike air max, louis vuitton outlet, ugg boots, christian louboutin outlet, longchamp outlet, michael kors outlet, burberry outlet online, ugg boots, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, polo ralph lauren outlet, replica watches, chanel handbags, gucci outlet, nike free, michael kors outlet, longchamp outlet, nike air max

Unknown said...

kate spade outlet, hogan, coach outlet, michael kors, sac longchamp, nike air max, nike free run uk, ralph lauren pas cher, longchamp pas cher, coach outlet, nike blazer, vans pas cher, nike air max, lululemon, lacoste pas cher, air max, burberry, kate spade handbags, michael kors, mulberry, michael kors, nike free, tn pas cher, true religion jeans, true religion jeans, hollister pas cher, louboutin pas cher, michael kors, abercrombie and fitch, air jordan pas cher, true religion outlet, ray ban uk, sac guess, hollister, oakley pas cher, ralph lauren uk, converse pas cher, replica handbags, north face, air force, true religion jeans, nike roshe, nike roshe run, timberland, new balance pas cher, hermes, vanessa bruno, nike air max, coach purses, ray ban pas cher, north face

Unknown said...

hollister, moncler, barbour, coach outlet, pandora charms, moncler, moncler outlet, moncler, ugg boots uk, wedding dresses, sac louis vuitton pas cher, canada goose, moncler, ray ban, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, links of london, louis vuitton, doudoune canada goose, converse, canada goose, pandora charms, swarovski, karen millen, canada goose outlet, replica watches, thomas sabo, pandora jewelry, swarovski crystal, barbour jackets, bottes ugg, pandora jewelry, canada goose, vans, montre pas cher, converse outlet, louis vuitton, juicy couture outlet, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, moncler, marc jacobs, gucci, canada goose, moncler, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, supra shoes, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, louis vuitton, moncler, toms shoes, lancel, ugg pas cher
ninest123 16.03