Sunday, 24 February 2008

The nicest Satanist you're ever likely to meet

I knew how much better his life could be before he'd even spoke - if only he'd loose the tash, cut the combover and shorten the grey hair that made ringlets over his ears. Yet I warmed to him the moment I opened our front door last Saturday morning.

He was a portly, barrel of a type-2 diabetic and firmly in his sixties. His large, childlike eyes beamed from behind his thick rimmed glasses and I was helpless to resist liking him. I wanted to tweak his rosy little plump cheeks and take him out for a night of debauchery, where we would get drunk, smoke a bit of weed and perhaps get shagged by a pair of amoral blonds.

That'd sort him out, I thought.

It came as no surprise then, when he produced The Watchtower from his little brown satchel.

"Ahh, I'm afraid I'm atheist" I told him.

"Ohh" he said, still smiling "what makes you feel this way?"

"A myriad things, really. Not least that I see no evidence for, nor have any real need for a god..."

And so we got into the same old tired debate that's written about ad-nauseum on the Atheist Blogroll. I needn't fill you in with the minutiae.

Suffice to say that his grey mac would just have to go.

It was a pleasant chat, all in all, despite his assertion that evolution was false and that it was logical not to "take of the blood". He told me about his wife, who's suffering badly from Trigeminal Neuralgia. Before he could weave this into an allegory about Jesus Christ, I gave him some advice on pain management and the side effects of carbamazepine. He seemed to appreciate this greatly, despite calling me a Satanist.

You see, if you are not 'For' Jesus then, by elimination, you must be 'For' Satan.

"Cool," I said to him, "Satanist sounds much better than Atheist. Cheers!"

Anyway, to cut a long story short, just as he was leaving, he shot a conspiratorial look behind him, leaned in close and whispered,

"I know I shouldn't be saying this, but your the nicest sata, sorry, atheist I've ever met."

We shook hands.

That's right my friends - The anti-christ will be reborn in the guise of an affable, balding thirty-something.



The Grocer said...

You must have a sign on your head, or just look ripe for conversion.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, that was such a pleasant exchange... You Europeans are so polite!

By contrast, our local Jesus-freak was out in his abortion truck the other day and I had to literally cover my daughter's eyes (which was quit a feat whilst driving my own car).

He also has a fleet of vehicles with anti-homosexual signage featuring two men kissing with a line through them. I won't wreck the car to avoid the children seeing that one, but the mutilated baby is enough to give me nightmares. If only all religious zealots were as friendly as your man.

commander other said...

you're much nicer about the door-to-door types than i am. i have enjoyed the past few years of living inconveniently out-of-town in that regard, and it's the door-to-door types that are on the short list of things i'm not looking forward to positively as we are moving into town.

looks like you found a nice-enough one, though. as metalkpretty notes, all too often, the religiously-endowed are quite the bother.

jamon said...

Metalkpretty - I've seen these nut vans on British TV. Honestly, there's free speech and there's dimwits like these. Nauseating...

Commander - I guess as it happens so rarely, it's enough of a novelty to let them have their say. Besides, it's good blog fodder.

Grocer - I'm afraid I've been afflicted with that kind of face all my life.

Anonymous said...

"You see, if you are not 'For' Jesus then, by elimination, you must be 'For' Satan." Such dogma is evidence of the Accuser's infiltration of the hearts and minds of those who claim they are "saved".

Have you ever seen the movie Jesus Camp? I swear, it makes the future look bleak: Children brainwashed by power-hungry Evangelicals (American Christian Jihadists who speak in terms of creating an army to defeat Islam) attend "Jesus Camp" to worship a cardboard cutout of George W. Bush.

Beam me up, Mr. Speaker, 'cause there's no intelligent life down here...

jamon said...

I haven't seen the movie Murph - but I have seen youtube snippets of this madness.

Which is about all that my craw can handle, quite frankly...

stuart said...

you could start "door to door Satanism"

"excuse me sir/madam, would you like to buy a copy of our booklet 'My 10 best sins, by B.L.Zebub' all proceeds go to saving the souls of fallen Satanists who have ended up in Heaven. Buy 2 and get a free chicken."